Teen Talk:Difficult Conversations with Your Teenager

Dear Parent,

Sex, Drugs, STDs, HIV, AIDS are all subjects that most parents have difficulty bringing up with their kids. Think back to when you were a child. Who told you about sex? Was it a friend? Was it your mom or dad? If so how did they handle it and what information did you receive? Was this information accurate? Or did you learn about it on your own as you were experiencing your first relationship? What was your religious upbringing? Were you told that sex was dirty or natural? Were you told to wait until marriage? Or did your mom bring you to the doctor and to have you put on birth control? Or did your dad hand you condoms and pat you on the back? Our own teenage experiences often have a great impact on our parenting. We may agree or disagree with our parents on how these subjects were presented or ignored. So before you venture into these difficult conversations with your child or teen,

#1 Get clear about your own morals and values.

How do you feel about 16 year olds having sex? And what is the difference between that and 18 year olds?

What do you think about kids smoking marijuana?

What do you think about underage drinking? 18, 19 or 20 year olds? When is it okay? When is it not?



#2 Educate yourself about the issues you want to discuss with your kids.

Get on the internet and bring up articles about current trends for youth. Make sure that you have the most up to date information about the areas that you are focusing on. Remember, not only are you providing parental guidance but you are also passing along knowledge that your child will need to make thoughtful and appropriate decisions about his or her emotional and physical health.

Get savvy with their language. (Kids don’t call marijuana “pot” anymore.)

Do you know what the following are? If not, look them up!

*DXM, Syrup heads, Dexing, Triple, Special K, Crank, Antifreeze, Crunk, Snow, X, Georgia Home Boy, Roofies, Kibbles and bits, Cheese, Candy flipping*


#3 Make Time to Talk To Your Child

Once you know what you want to talk about and have done your research it is time to If you are nervous or anxious about having this conversation, acknowledge this. “This is really hard and uncomfortable for me to speak with you about, but I am your parent and I need to talk with you about…” Be prepared that your child may react negatively to you or say that they “already know all that…” Proceed anyway. Give your child printed information or websites to back up what you are saying. If your child argues with you, tell him/her that you would be glad to hear what s/he has to say, but first s/he must research the topic and present it to you just like you did.

Don’t wait too long to have these conversations. Kids are experimenting with sex and drugs earlier and earlier. The younger you start the easier it will be to continue bringing it up. A great conversation starter might be after you and your child have seen a movie with sex or drugs being part of the content. “What did you think about that movie? What did you think about the choices that Josie made? What would you have done? Do you have any questions about anything that you saw?”

If your child ignores you or doesn’t want to talk about it don’t give up. Keep looking for opportunities to bring up those uncomfortable issues. Soon you will notice that it isn’t so awkward after all!

Holiday Hassles and Something for You

Dear Parent

Can you believe that it’s that time of the
year again? I was in the mall last week
and the holiday decorations were out, the
Christmas music was playing and there was
a general feeling of hustle and bustle in
the air.

Maybe you are getting a bit excited and
caught up in the planning of the next 5
weeks… or maybe you are putting it off
because you are dreading all the hassles and
stresses associated with the holidays with
your kids.

Some common problems for families that
I have worked with are:

=> Divorce/Separation- Who has the kids this
year? And if you don’t have your kids, what
are you doing?

=> Loss- it is the anniversary of the death a
loved one and the whole idea of the holidays is
completely depressing.

=> Financial problems- worrying you don’t have
enough money to have the kind of holiday you
want. Or knowing that you are going to spend
too much money and the next 6 months you
will have to pay it back and your credit cards
will be out of control.

=> Not being appreciated- it’s been a tough
year and you feel you want to make it up to the
kids and you make lots of plans and try to do fun
stuff and the kids keep rolling their eyes and
complaining “I don’t wanna go there or do that
…it’s boring..it’s lame…whatever…!”

=> Family Stress- having to make the rounds to
all the grandparents and relatives and feeling
completely wiped out and aggravated about
the whole thing.

=> Feeling Overwhelmed- wanting to
change the way you celebrate the holidays,
(scale down, or even take the family and go
away somewhere warm). But you feel that you
cannot break with tradition for fear of upsetting
kids/relatives/etc.


I want you to know that it is your holiday
season. You have a right to celebrate it any
way you want to. You have a right to take
it back and make it meaningful to you.

Some tips that I’d like you to consider:

=> Make it fun (if it doesn’t feel fun, don’t do it)
=> Simplify (more is not better- more is more work)
=> Make a budget and stick to it (no resentment or
guilt about what spent later on.
=> Relax (build in down time and if you can take
vacation, do it.
=> Connect (talk to and spend time with your kids)
=> Learn how to take Back Your Parenting Power…

Get your free copy of my Parenting Manual Here:

http://www.parentingpowers.com/takebacksystemcss.htm

Best Wishes for a Peaceful Holiday Season,

Your Parent Coach,

Susan

Teen Talk: "Parents, don't want to be the "bad guy"?

Dear Parent,

Are you feeling that you can never do enough to please your teen? The more you give, the
more they require? The more limits you set, the more they push back?

Well, I'd like to help free you from parenting guilt.

We want our teens to like us; especially as they grow up, kids start separating from us
physically and emotionally. It may seem like they are closer to their friends than to
their own family members. That can feel really lousy. And that can make us parents
feel that we have to bend over backwards to get their attention or to connect with them.

That is where we get into trouble. Because we want our kids to like us, we might say "yes" when we really need to say "no" or we might overlook it when they say "whatever" to us or roll their eyes.

I want you to know that even if it seems that they are disconnecting from you, they still are
children and need you and want you to structure and set limits on them.

It hurts to be a good parent....but it hurts worse to have your teen get in trouble in school or in the community.

So...the next time you feel bad and don't want to be the "bad guy", think twice...
better you the "bad guy" than someone else...

Let's start a conversation.

Best wishes for a peaceful home,

Parent Coach Susan

Visit Susan's Website....

http://www.parentingpowers.com/

Teen Talk: " Mom, can I have the keys?"

How can parents be good role models for their children when it comes to driving an automobile?

• Don't exhibit road rage.


• Don't use cell phone.


• Don't be distracted.


• Don't drive late at night.


• Don't tailgate.


• Don't drink and drive...ever.


• Be courteous to other drivers.


• Drive the speed limit


• Wear seatbelts
  
  2. What kind of lessons can parents use to convey the responsibility their children need without sounding like old fogeys?

Use contracts with teens:

• Rules of the car that are sensible. number of people allowed in teen's car.
  Drinking/drugs= loss of license for x amount of time.


• Rules about cell phone use.


• Curfew with car.


• Who pays for what (and enforce this)

If kids are paying for insurance or car payments have them automatically debited.
(Kids won't save and parents will end up paying the bills)


3. What, if anything, should parents look for in their children to know that they've received the message?

• Adherence to the contract.


• If payment involved: are the kids doing this responsibly.


• Teens working and paying for own gas, insurance. Etc...


• Teens taking care about the cleanliness of the car. (inside and out)


• Teens making appointments and taking car to shop or dealer for oil changes, and other

Looking forward to hearing your comments about your experiences with your teens.

Let's start a conversation.

Wishing you a peaceful home,

Susan

Teen Talk: Money

Your teens have everything they could ever want or need.

However, when you take your teens shopping they act as if they never get anything from you.

They plead and beg until you cave and they get what they want.

You are worried that your teens are not learning the value of money and that you are not setting the appropriate limits.

You have always thought that allowance should be tied to chores, and have tried that but it didn’t work.

To top it off, you have your own money management issues, and are afraid that your teens will follow in your footsteps.

Does this sound familiar? Then, read on…


What I have described above is typical in many families. Parents are confused about how to teach their children the value of money and money management skills.

Teens are exposed to more and more “stuff” every day so of course they want more and more.

Parents are frazzled because they feel like they are spoiling their teens and worry about their futures.

Most parents these days have incurred some type of debt like credit card, student loans, mortgage, etc…Knowing how it feels to “OWE”, making poor financial decisions and mismanaging money, let’s begin by exposing the teens to these lessons early on.

I have developed an easy and organized system called the “Allowance is What You Are Allowed” technique.

Each teen is allotted 3-5 envelopes (depending on the age and stage and needs of the teen)
Each envelope is labeled with something like:

=>spending Money $5.00 (little things, gum, candy)

=>Lunch Money $5.00 (to bring to school)

=>Bank deposit Money $2.00 (College Savings, First Car Savings,-something BIG and long term. Open up a savings account if you haven’t already and let your teen watch the money grow and the interest accumulate.)

=>Something I am saving for Money$3.00 (Something your teen is asking for a bit bigger- new game for computer, clothing)

=>Charity $1.00 (Church, Synagogue or charity of child’s choice)

3. Decide how much you want your child to put in each envelope.

4. Pick one day a week (like Sunday Mornings).

5. Make sure you have $1’s and change.

6. Hand your child the wad of cash and change and have them divide it up and put it in the correct envelopes.

7. Now for the fun part.! Before you go to the store, tell your teens, if they want to buy anything they need to bring along their “Spending Money” envelope.

8. When you get to the store, do not get involved with the purchase. Let them decide how to spend their money.

9. If they ask to borrow from one envelope to put more in another envelope, let them; but have them write an IOU to that envelope and tell them that until the IOU is paid up each week’s “spending money” has to go to the other envelope.

10. Let them feel their successes and their failures; this is a wonderful lesson to give your teens!

Even if your teen is working and has his or her own money, work with your teen and still use this system.

And…..you might try it yourself!

Best Wishes for a peaceful home,

Parent Coach Susan

For more parenting tips visit:

http://www.parentingpowers.com/

Receive Susan's free Special Report:
How to Take Back Your Parent Power

Teen Talk: Gimme, Gimme, Teens and Stuff

Are you the parent of a "gimme gimme" teen?
Are your teens always at you to buy,buy,buy?
Do you tell your kids, "Money doesn't grow
on trees?" At the same time do you feel
like you can't say no? And to top it off
do you feel that your teens are ungrateful
for what you get them?

If you are like most parents, you can say
no some of the time. But sometimes, your
teens just wear you down and you give in.
Then you just want to kick yourself and
find yourself wishing you hadn't said yes.

I am going to help you with staying on
track for saying no, when you really want
to.

But first, I want to tell you that it is
not your fault. You are not weak, a bad
parent or disorganized! Our society has
drastically changed in the past 30 years.
Buy, Buy, Buy is everywhere!

We have been conditioned to believe that
buying makes us feel good. But we know
that that "feel good " thing is temporary
and only lasts until we buy the next thing.

Our teens are being conditioned at a pace
that makes our childhoods look like we
had very little. Now laptops, cell phones.
Ipods are rights of passage!

Now not only do you have an electronic
explosion, you have so much clutter
you can't even think straight.

So here are a few suggestions to help
you stick to your values about stuff.

1. Don't take your teens shopping with
you. I know this sounds a bit crazy and
at times will be impractical. But it
does solve the problem. If you don't
take them to the mall, they won’t be
facing the material world some of the
time.

2. Give your teens a weekly allowance.
In the event you do bring them shopping,
make sure they bring it and spend their
own money. They will learn quickly if
they want to save for something that
they really want.

3. Limit TV, Internet. The media wants
your teens to buy. They convince your
teens that they won't be cool unless they
have the latest game or gadget.


4. Get your teens outside in nature.
Let them get creative with the outdoors
and the elements. Encourage your teens
to play sports and hike. Put up a basketball
hoop in your driveway. You’ll not only
be encouraging physical exercise, but you’ll
know where your teen is. (Their friends will
hang out at your house!)

5. Save electronics for special occasions such
as birthdays and holiday giving. You
don't have to gift your children in between.
Having them wait teaches them not to
crave immediate gratification.

Visit my website at…
http://www.parentingpowers.com/ for more tips and
my free special report, “ How to Take Back Your
Parenting Power”.

Teen Talk: How to Put a Stop to Sibling Fighting

Many parents have asked me how to get brothers and sisters to keep their hands and feet to themselves.

Do you find that you are always the ref? Are you continually breaking up kicking and hitting between your kids?Are you hoarse at the end of the day from getting in the middle of these battles and screaming "cut it oooooooooooout!! ?"

There is a solution but first I want to you to take a moment and try to think about why siblings fight. Why is it that siblings for the most part hit and kick, yell and scream at each other?

=> It's difficult for teens to explain themselves. Often they are so full of emotion and hormones that they just plain explode.

=> TV and Video games glorify solving problems by hitting the other person over the head. The 3 Stooges hit each other over the head with hammers and the roadrunner smashes the coyote every chance he can get! And these are shows from my childhood. What are your teens watching?

=> Hitting, kicking, screaming and yelling gets YOU the parent
immediately involved in breaking up the fight. Sometimes when teens get bored
they pull you in for the "mommy-daddy" show. That's when you lose it...It is very entertaining to watch your parents lose their minds. And teens get a power surge from
having this kind of effect on their family members. But at the same time it is scary
for them and they need you to take control.

So if this sounds familiar, wouldn't you like to finally know how to put a stop to it?

O.K, here are a few tips that really work:

=> Limit TV and Video games.

=> Encourage teens to express their feelings.

=> Hold family meetings where teens get a chance to be heard.

=> Hold court: Have the teens present their side of the story to you and each other and have teens make restitution to each other for the wrongs they have committed (like writing a note, or doing the other one's chores).

=> Notice out loud when your teens express their feelings and give lots of praise and complements.

=> Remember the best reward of all is time with YOU!

Best Wishes for a Peaceful Home,

Parent Coach Susan Epstein

visit my website:

http://www.parentingpowers.com/ and get your Free Special Report-How to Take Back Your Parenting Power.

Teen Talk: Cultural Issues in Parenting Teens

Parenting is extremely challenging for immigrant families. Moving to the U.S., many of the parenting practices which they have been used to (even morally bound to) from their country of origin are not appropriate or even allowed in the U.S., such as authoritarian discipline and physical punishment. These parents feel stripped of their parenting identities and struggle to get their kids to go to school and do homework. At the same time, they feel that they are being judged by their communities for not getting their kids to comply. Language barriers also make it difficult for these parents to advocate for their teens and many of these kids get lost between the cracks or are forced to advocate for themselves.

Immigrant children also become Americanized and their values become more and more different than their parents. This creates parent-child conflict and children acting out.
It is important for communities and schools to address these issues as soon as possible. Families should be encouraged to retain their cultural identities and to learn the new expectations of the new culture to best support and help their children. How can we be there for all parents of all children? How can we reach out to welcome people of all races and ethnicities and honor them without alienating them?

Questions for thought

What culture were you raised in?
How do you think this affected your parents raising you?
What have you retained from your own cultural background that influences your parenting style?
What if anything do you want to pass on to your children from your cultural background?


Let’s start a conversation going…

And check out my website…
www.ParentingPowers.com
And get my free special report:
Take Back Your Parent Power

Teen Talk: "No I Won't and You Can't Make Me!"

Do your teens talk back to you or ignore you? Do they role their eyes and walk away

while you are in mid-sentence? Do you feel helpless and out of control yourself when it

comes to getting your teen to respect you? Do you find yourself yelling at your teen or

locking yourself in the bathroom and crying? Is your teenager running your house?


If you answered yes, I am here to tell you that it is not your fault! Teens everywhere are

treating their parents with disrespect. Teens that disrespect their parents also disrespect

their teachers, law enforcement and anyone who is making rules and telling them what to

do. This is becoming a national epidemic.


But…YOU, the parent have the power to change this behavior. But in order to do this

you must put a stop to back talk, interrupting, face making and negative body language

at home. Once this is under control at home your teen will be more respectful of authority

figures everywhere.

Well, you say, “Easier said than done!”

Actually, it is simple. The glitch is that it takes consistency and a poker face from you.

Every time your teen engages in one of these negative behaviors, you have to block him/her.

You ask, “EVERY TIME? ARE YOU CRAZY?”

“How do I do this?”

Here’s the DRILL:

The first step is to say to your son or daughter: “Do not speak to me that way.” or

Or “Do not interrupt me.” Or” Do not make that face.”

AND the glitch, you have to keep saying it until s/he stops and you must remain calm and

not give up until s/he stops the behavior...

I guarantee you, that if you keep repeating one of these sentences to your child, with your

poker face on, s/he will stop. They will be so shocked, a. that you are following through,

and b. that you are not looking or sounding angry.

You are commanding respect.

Do not let this behavior slide. You need to be ON 100%. So pick a day that you are

rested and in fairly good spirits, have someone you can call for support if you feel

yourself caving…and carry on COMMANDING RESPECT, you deserve it!

don’t you?

Watch for more tips and techniques on commanding respect in upcoming posts!


To get Susan’s free Special Report “Take Back Your Parenting Power” and other free articles visit Susan’s Website-

http://www.parentingpowers.com/

Teen Talk: Homework Hassles and How to Help Your Teen

Thinking back on school years past, how many times
did you get into a power struggle with your kids
around homework issues? Let me know if this sounds
familiar:

It is 7PM and your teen informs you
that the science project is due tomorrow morning.



Or it is 10PM and your teen is having
a meltdown and you have made a phone call to the
therapist because you are convinced that your teen
is having a panic attack and you can’t calm your teen
down. This has been triggered by a one page essay that
your child is having difficulty completing.


Or your teen is assigned a project, which really means that you have
been assigned the project…you think something is wrong
with this picture because you already went to school and
thought that that chapter of your life was completed!


Or maybe worse, your teen has told you that the homework
has been completed, but at the progress report, you are
informed that your child has not handed in any homework
to date!

Most parents struggle with some type of homework hassles.

Here are some tips to help you eliminate these types of
scenarios from continuing.

=> Visual Cues: Get a big calendar and hang it in a
prominent place.

=> Teach Organization: When your teen comes home
from school have your teen transfer the assignments
and due dates to the big calendar.

=> Teach Success: Break down projects into bite
size pieces and put the smaller “to do’s” on the
calendar.

=> Be Available but occupied: Have teens do
homework in the same room as you. The kitchen
table is a perfect place.

=> While your teen is doing homework,
sit with your child, and pay bills, read or plan
your own projects.

=> No more running out the day before a project is due:
Buy all the supplies before school starts. This
includes the poster boards, glue sticks, markers,
scissors, etc…

=> Set a timer for homework completion. This will motivate
your teen to complete the assignment. This also signals
your teen that there is an end in sight!

Wishing you a Peaceful Home,

Parent Coach Susan


For Susan's Free Special Report:
How to Take Back Your Parenting Powers.
visit Susan's website.


Wishing you a peaceful home-
Susan